Cory 1-844-332-2639 et 407
It all started innocently enough. My friend, Gary – a man whose beard had a beard and whose idea of a challenging morning was deciding between two different artisanal coffee blends – casually asked if I could “help out” for a few weeks. He’d apparently aggravated an old sports injury, which sounded legitimate at the time. My visions were of fetching him an extra-large pizza and maybe a few remote controls. Never did I envision myself becoming, for lack of a better term, his “Mama.”
The first clue was the distinct odor of Johnson’s Baby Powder mixed with something vaguely earthy. Then came the sights. A crib, oversized bottles, a mountainous pile of what I initially mistook for industrial-grade pillow stuffing, but which quickly resolved into absurdly large, plastic-backed diapers. And there, nestled amidst a sea of plush toys and a particularly garish cartoon blanket, was Gary. Not the beard-having, coffee-snob Gary I knew, but a version clad in a pastel blue onesie, sucking on a pacifier the size of a teacup, gazing up at me with eyes that seemed far too innocent for a man who owed taxes.
Gary – a man whose beard had a beard
My inaugural “Mama” duty involved what Gary charmingly referred to as “a big messy number two.” The sheer logistics of changing an adult male in an oversized diaper are something no parenting book could ever prepare you for. It involved more wrestling than actual changing, a surprising amount of upper body strength, and a level of theatrical gagging that would have won me an Oscar.
He insisted on a complete outfit change afterwards. This included a new, pristine onesie, little booties, and a bib, despite having just consumed a frankly alarming amount of pureed butternut squash. I found myself instinctively checking for “wetness,” preparing surprisingly palatable pureed meals, and even developing a specific ability to soothe adult tantrums over missing toys. It was A LOT all at once. But Gary’s joy over a new squeaky toy or a perfectly warmed bottle was almost endearing. Almost.
Cory 1-844-332-2639 et 407
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